Nick's Terra Firma

I know a little about a lot of things, issues and philosophies. I'm not the most intelligent guy on the planet; I know this. There are things that I might protest to know, but in fact know very little about - things which I care to argue points on just for the conversational banter and the acquired knowledge from it. I try to learn what I can, when I can, and as much of it as I can. I love learning. I know that mistakes are only pathways to understanding things better and just another way to learn. But I am not perfect. Certainly not. I will inherently always be trying to be perfect, though I know that I never will...

The person you know as Nick is someone who strives to be a better person on a daily basis, but who is not devoid of problems and shortcomings. He is a man who recognizes that he is still a child inside. He is a male who knows and explores his feminine side. He is barely old, and not quite young, and has had enough experiences in life to know that nothing is absolute. As such, when the proverbial shit hits the fan, and all the world tumbles down around him - destroying and annihilating everything he has come to know and believe in - there are a few things that he turns to for solace and relief. These are the things that bring Nick comfort in the face of ever-surmounting odds. Things and people that Nick turns to in times of need and confusion - the aspects of life that Nick needs to center himself and stay afloat. This is the base from which Nick expands outwards, but always manages to find root in. This is Nick's Terra Firma.

means everything to me. It seems almost redundant and pointless to mention because, well... why wouldn't they? They are my family! But I have seen first hand why that isn't always the case. In fact, over the years I have come to realize that the relationship that I share with my family is a rare thing indeed. Maybe its that we are a small family, with very few close extended family members, and hardly any that bear consequence. Maybe its that my parents worked hard at staying and keeping us happy; pouring their hearts and souls into everything they did for themselves and for us. Maybe its just luck. Who knows? But what I do know is that when all else is lost to me... when my friends and lovers have all disappeared or turned their backs on me, my family is always there. When I have been reeling in my worst pain, suffering through my worst hour, or unable to cope with my worst fears - my family has been there, helping me to overcome it all. They help me through my financial difficulties. They help me through my emotional strife. They help me in nearly every aspect of my inadvertently rhyming life. They are the reason I have sought out education and knowledge, because they instilled that belief in me. They are the reason I seek out new opportunity and strive to be a better person. And they are likely the reason I have survived all these 33 years of life. I can't imagine a world without them. It would be a world wherein I would be almost completely lost, broke, scared, and almost certainly - alone. I love them with ever ounce of being I have and have always wished I could honor them more. Someday I will. yes. Someday, I will...

She may not realize it, but she is a HUGE part of my sanity. In fact, I am pretty sure she has virtually no clue of the impact she has had on me. I have mentioned a few aspects of this to her in the past, but I am not convinced yet that the magnitude of the effect she has had has quite sunk in yet. She has changed me. She has changed me for the better and forever. For that, and for her and who she is - I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. She found me in my weakest moments and managed to raise me from the ashes like a phoenix, like Lazarus from the pit. She has been the result of 2 major changes in my life - world-shattering changes that have redefined who I was as a person. These have become the moments in my life that I look back on and re-align myself to anytime I need guidance.

The first was that I had finally found someone who I could love, unconditionally. Despite what I have told myself in the past, everyone else I have ever claimed to love (though, it has always been much more than just a claim), I have done so under specific suppositions and conditions. I admit it - there have been things that I have wanted from my relationships in the past. They have been selfish wants and desires. Things I am not entirely proud of, but things that have most often defined who I wanted to ultimately be with. Everyone has them, but until Pearl, I didn't realize a world could exist without them. I think that that's why I tell people that she is the girl I want to marry. It's true. I felt it from about a week after I started talking to her. For the very first time EVER - everything I hoped and wanted in a friend, a girlfriend and a wife - nuanced details that I had been assimilating over the years into what would make the ultimate girl for me - all of a sudden TOTALLY didn't matter anymore. In the grand scheme of things, Pearl is not the 'Perfect' girl for me. She is (completely and ridiculously ironically) allergic to shellfish - which is one of my most favorite kinds of food. She is the world's most adept practitioner of ADD - something that has been the source of many of my other relationships' shortcomings. But here's the thing - I DONT CARE! I really don't. It's kind of weird to say it and think it, but it's the truth. I love her no matter how I get her - because its the person that is Pearl that rules my world. Her ADD makes me laugh, where in anyone else, it would drive me crazy. Its very strange - but I will tell you this... I have never known a feeling like this before - complete and total concern for her well-being, a supreme attention to her happiness, and absolutely no care what-so-ever towards what I want from the relationship. It's something I have only read about, yet have feigned to understand for all my years of life - love. I love her, and from the moment I met her, I have wanted and attempted to be a better person for her, and her alone. Without regret. Without inhibition. And without fear.

Number two was a profound moment. I have never divulged this information to her. And in all actuality, I have only ever told one other person about it at all... So, I'd imagine that - well - Pearl, if you are reading this, please understand that this was a profoundly awe-inspiring moment for me that changed me forever, and that I am eternally grateful to you for it. I'm sorry I haven't made mention of it before, but it never felt right and always felt like a guilt-trip if the ultimate meaning was lost.

The very first time I met Pearl (aside from probable encounters during my sister's high school parties) was when she came back for a visit and to attend a seminar at Bentley College for a program she was considering. Up until that point, Pearl and I had never officially made our acquaintence, give for our countless, all-night phone conversations and emails. I picked her up from the airport and from the very first second that I saw her, I was mystified. She blew me away. She had me to the point that I nearly ran a red light. Twice. Yep... I almost ran it as it was turning, and then again well after I had stopped for it the first time... just started going :) I was lost in her world. She probably just thought I was a terrible driver. I laugh about it now, but I remember the feeling I had at that moment - drunk with love and the most incredible excitement I have even known.

Anyways - I won't go into too much detail here... but we had a great couple of days together. Nothing particularly juicy, just two people spending time together - happy and comfortable which each other. The way it should be. The moment in question, however, happened after we said our final goodbyes. She had plans with another friend and I had already taken up most of her time there anyways. We hugged good-bye and I watched as she walked away, nearly in disbelief that It had to come to an end eventually. I sat back down into the driver's seat of my car and burst into tears. I was supposed to drive home - an hour-long drive back to the depression of living a mere few hundred feet from my ex and her boyfriend. But I was honestly crying too hard to drive. So I pulled around the block and parked. I sat in my car and cried for hours. Knowing that I wasn't going to stop anytime soon, and believing that my best option was to drown them out - I went out on foot - crying the whole way - and found a restaurant/bar. I walked in and got a seat. I sat down and started to bawl. I cried up until the point where I had to order. I got two very stiff gin and tonics and some meal I don't even remotely remember. I must have looked like a fool - sitting there in that place, all by myself, bawling my eyes out for the entire time. I eventually finished and, still crying, left. At that point I had been consistently crying for over 3 hours. I walked back to my car, but felt that I still needed to do something. That 'something' ended up being that I needed to go buy one of the most magnificent roses I have ever seen, write out a note that said that I had really (if she only knew how "really" I meant) good time with her, and went and left it at Pearl's hotel room door. I cried the entire time. I went back to my car - mission accomplished - and sat and cried for another half-hour. Then realized that I should really be on my way. I left and cried the entire way back. And then for the next two days.

And then not again.

I cried for almost 3 days straight. I kid you not. Non-stop. I am not entirely sure how I managed to generate that much moisture. But when I stopped finally, I wondered about why I had been crying for so long. I have had some wicked crushes on girls before, but none had managed this level of intensity before. In fact, nothing had. So I sat and thought long and hard about why this situation had had this impact on me. And what I realized has become the basis for all I know and do now.

What I realized was that - most predominantly - I had allowed myself to enter into a world where is was just Pearl and me. It was my absolute most wonderful fantasy. But furthermore, it was that I was not worthy of her love. I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me - but what I did know was that the only way to get to that point - my only chance at that one great prize - was for me to change. It was at this realization that I came up with my 'list'. It is my "order of operations" for my life that will/would hopefully and eventually lead me to Pearl. It started with my need to move and get myself out of the worst little city on the planet - Fitchburg - and onto, well... something else. That something else was specifically, yet entirely coincidentally by way of G. - targeted towards being close to Bentley College. You can draw the obvious conclusions. The next was to find a better job - something I have been searching for ever since. And lastly would be to find and buy a house that would be in accordance to what Pearl wanted most. I lived almost entirely vicariously through Pearl. I moved to Belmont - a mere few miles from Bentley... a secret that I have never shared with anyone. I feel closer to her here, though she decided that program wasn't worth it for her. It's a strange feeling, really. I have thrown many a possibly-great relationships aside in my fading hopes that I will have one with her. And I have never regretted it for even a second. I HATE being alone and single and not able to snuggle down with the girl I love every night. Hate it more than I can explain. But Somehow, it's okay right now. Of course, the problem is the reality of it all... as I mentioned before, I really don't think Pearl feels the same way about me, and I know that there is very little chance I would be able to convince her otherwise, so my problem lies in whether I live a life alone because the girl I want most doesn't want me back? Or do I try and find someone who is on par with her - if that's possible? Or do I throw caution and happiness to the wind and do what a few of my married friends have suggested (which kind of worries me about them, honestly) and stop shooting for the stars and 'settle' for someone slightly less? I think that last one is out as that even typing it made me wretch.

Anyways, the point is that for as long as I have known Pearl, there has been a solid floor for which I could stand on. And it has been high enough that it has allowed me to see out over the walls of the emotional pit I was falling into, so I could gaze upon the land of pure bliss beyond. Analogies aside - she is all I need to think of any time I am upset, sad, worried about life, etc. I wish she would let me be the same to her, though I do believe that in some way I have been. At least I know that no matter what happens, there will always be Pearl, and from that, some kind of happiness that wasn't there before.

There really is nothing else in my world that equals the meditative powers of snowboarding for me. I love it on such a profound level that no matter how absolutely terrible the rest of my life is, I will instantly find a smile as soon as my feet hit the slopes. It is a mantra. It is a power and a grace. It is control and freedom. It is flight, both on and off the ground. It's a way to cheat death. Its a way to live life. It is, far and away, the most relaxing, envigorating, incredible thing that I can think of. My winters are spent trying to carve out enough time and dig up enough money to go riding as often as possible. With lift ticket prices going through the roof these days, I will also hike. Last year, as a cross-training for Tuckerman's Ravine, but also a way to get myself back in shape and be able to go snowboarding without having to pay for it, I started hiking mountains - like ski-resort mountains - all with teh sole intention to snowboard down one run. I mean, the hike was all important for my training and mental health, but also that I was doing something that no one else will... work for my prize.

That's one of the things that has kind of angered me about snowboarding over the years and what has happened to the sport. I don't really care about what other people do.. but I believe that if people are as serious about something as they say they are, it would betrothe them to take it to its extremes, but als to understand and at least attempt to live out the origins of the sport in question. Back when I was learning... a good 20 years ago this season... that's pretty much all we had. Hiking. We would hike mountains, or just sledding hills, build our own jumps and hike the jump all day and all night long. For weeks. Hell, at that point, not a lot of places had yet accepted snowboarding and didn't allow them on their mountains. But we did it anyways. I am thankful to the forefathers of snowboarding, like Shaun Palmer, Shawn Farmer, Damien Sanders, Jake Burton and all of those guys for pushing and pushing the sport until peopel took notice, but I am very proud of the fact that I was there at the beginning of it all and was doing it when most people still had no idea what a snowboard was.

As a result of my snowboarding upbringing, I have done a lot that most people wouldn't dare, I have jumped cliffs, houses, roads, and have been down some serious, steep terrain. I have almost died doing it and have experienced life on the extreme edge - man pushing his limits and only barely surviving it. And i think that that's why I love it so much. I am good at it. But I am also serious about it. I respect it and don't do it for anyone but me. It is my quiet, introspective time. Time that I can think about life, the universe and everything - both the book and the existential philosophy. Time that I can relive all scenarios in my mind. Time that I use to think about Pearl and wish she was beside me. I sing when I ride. I practice martial arts when I ride. I commune with nature and I become one with my board, the snow, the trees, the mountain and the Earth. It's a rare and remarkable moment when I feel as connected to life as I do when I am on my snowboard, which is why - I think - it is one of those things I go to whenever I need to boil it all down and start anew.