Danielle. The long awaited story.

This comes at a time when I finally have the ability to find out what I have for so very long wanted - nay - NEEDED to know about this situation, which of course, makes it all that much more complex :) Let me explain.

I have never written this down for anyone. A few select people have heard the entire story from me. These are people who I trust(ed) and whose opinions I trust dearly. Most of them are here on this page. But now, for the first time ever, I am going to spell it out for you, the reader of this page. Danielle was, is still, and I think will always be (except for my family and my eventual wife/mother of my children) the most influential and important person I have ever known. For ME, that is. Its a complicated story - not just for the plethora of details - but for the emotions and profound nature of impact it had on me. But for the sake of the story, let's again start at the beginning.

I met Danielle one day down by the old Christie's/Rite Aid building, across from 'the monument' where everyone in highschool hung out. I was out for a skate, presumably with my buddy Matt, but I don't remember him being there. I had just come out of Rite Aid, after buying some candy at which point this girl just walks up to me and asks me for a dollar. I think that that was one of the things I most liked about Danielle - her bluntness and complete disregard for common pleasantries. I asked her why she wanted a dollar, and a conversation - albeit a short one - ensued. I ended up giving her the dollar and we agreed to discuss the terms of its return at a later point. So every time I saw her at school, I would ask her for the dollar, and by some virtue of doing that enough, we started talking and hanging out. She was also friends with a few of my skater buddies like Kolby and Will. So I saw her a fair bit. To be quite honest, I don't remember the transition that took us from social acquaintences to good friends, but that did happen. We hung out almost every single day. She sat in front of me in Juncker's class there - what was it - some sort of social studies class - crime and punishment or some crap like that. We would pass notes ALL class long and never get caught. I don't think I learned a single damn thing from that class - as evidenced I guess by the fact that I don't even remember the name of it. We would go out for lunch to McDonald's, get our food and eat it in the ball bin of the PlayPlace inside (we were among the last highschools to have open campus for free periods - meaning you could leave the school if you had a free period). She would come skating with us when we would pile in my car and go... She came to Something Else skate shop every Sunday with us - MOSTLY to see Charlie Wilkins (who is now pro) - but also to hang out. We would go to the movies, or the mall, or Mad Maggie's, or to countless Indigo Girls shows together. In fact, it is to her that I pay my lasting debt of gratitude for introducing me to the Indigo Girls. And the song that I wrote and gave to them was in turn about her and our friendship. She is also the reason I so dearly love the Cure. And the drawn out saying, "What's WROOONNNG with you?" And why I write my capital "D"s and "B"s the way I do. In fact, she is the reason for many of my maneurisms that I still employ today.

But I want to be fair here - not all was peaches and cream. We certainly had our problems. For starters, I always had an impenetrable crush on her. I loved her. I still love her. But it wasn't until college that I realized that that love was for a friend - a GREAT friend who I would have gone to the ends of the world for. I misunderstood the feelings I had in high school for romantic love, and probably did a lot of unnecessary harm with that mentality. I asked her out more times than anyone else, ever. And always it was a 'no'. And to be frank, I really didn't understand why back then. It seemed perfectly natural to want to go out with the person who you spend all of your time with and have really nothing but fun with as well... but, well, I was young and naive, and that's my only excuse. But I did my best to respect her none-the-less. I think that it is interesting that despite our years of close friendship, and between all of the countless times were we in close proximity to each other, we never really made physical contact, give for about 3 hugs that I can remember. That's it! we only hugged 3 times... Anyways, there is more to the negative side of this that warrants mentioning. As part of me being jealous (I think), but also due to my intricate knowledge of her and how she worked, I had this uncanny ability to predict exactly how every single one of her relationships would go. I mean, down to the day and the place! I could tell her on what days she was going to have a fight and could tell well in advance the exact date that she and said boy would break up. I impressed even myself with this knowledge. But as you can imagine, and as I can as well - now - she absolutely HATED it. In fact, we had a time there when she just wouldn't talk to me because I would constantly bring stuff like that up. I certainly don't blame her. And eventually, I sucked up my pride and apologized and promised not to do it anymore, and we pretty much picked up where we left off as friends.

And then there was her dad. I really liked him to be honest, but he was one tough cookie, and I think he really hated me for some strange reason. I really don't know why, actually... I was always extremely respectful of him and his wishes. But there were some times when things were interpreted wrongly by him, which probably brought my standing with him down even further... like how when Danielle and I would talk to each other through her back window, after her curfew and everyone had gone to bed. I would sneak through her neighbor's yard in the back of her house and she would open her window and we would talk for hours like that (you have got to realize that this was WAY pre-cell phones and text messaging!). But one time, the neighbor's either heard me or saw me and reported me as a peeping tom. Which, I clearly wasn't, but I am sure that her dad thought otherwise. And then there was a time when I left a message on her home phone that said something to the effect of "Hey, sorry I missed you, give me a call back, and hey, if you don't, I know where you live..." My intentions were entirely friendly and joking - especially seeing as we were in fact hanging out almost every day still at that point and it was plainly obvious to me at least that if I was a psycho, I would have already had more than enough opportunities to go crazy on her - let alone leave a message on her home phone that implied that I would... but never the less, I got an almost immediate call back from her father who reamed me out for leaving such an insidious message.

All told - it was a very strange relationship - one that I really only remember the good of. But I at least recognize that there were some bad times as well. That said, I went off to college. I had an interesting first year and Danielle and I talked here and there. We would send letters mostly, but I was bad at that. And we would talk on occasion on the phone. I saw her a couple of times when I was back in town (she was a grade below me). We definitely kept in touch though... and the next year started and she went off to college in Virginia. That was a rough time for her. She only really had one friend, who really wasn't all that much of a friend it seemed. So she confided in me. We would write letters (I had gotten much better by then), and call each other quite frequently. This whole time, I kept telling her that I loved her. In fact, I had been telling her that since highschool, but she always interpreted that as a come-on. The fact of the matter, however, was that I meant it, and I meant it in it's purest form. She told me about a run-in with some guys in a car on the highway who were following them and waving guns out the window, and I can't tell you how much I wanted to go and protect her and how scared I was for her and how bad I felt about this situation that she so completely hated. To me, that's love. And I think, in some small way she realized that too. In one of her letters - after all that had gone down and I had been there for her... in a letter that I still have... at the very bottom and almost the last thing she writes... "I think I understand, Nick. I love you too."

After her first semester, I offered to pick her up from the airport. I brought with me her friends Heather and Kate and we went and got her and in some strange way, I felt like I was rescuing her. It was there at Logan airport that I got my 3rd and last hug from her. It was great to see her - as always - but better still that we finally had this mutual understanding of what we were to each other. I still would have gone out with her if she had asked, but I was content just knowing that she understand the love that existed between us.

Then we went back to school. And I met Shannon. Shannon, who was the first in a long line of girls to come who reminded me of Danielle. Yep, I said it. I know a lot of you don't think I realize the similarities bewteen my grilfriends and my girlfriends and Danielle... but they have all followed suit, and I know it, and that's what makes Pearl so damn special... moving on... Shannon. Holy crap I loved that girl! I spent days and nights pining after that girl. I would visit her for absolutely no good reason. But one day I visited her and she had a Transworld Skateboarding magazine on her dresser. I picked it up, thumbed through and found a picture of.. you guessed it, Charlie Wilkins! I told her that I knew him and used to skate with him, to which she replied, "Really? That's crazy... my cousin is dating him!" So clearly a match made in heaven. The only problem was that in the courtship process, I lost touch with virtually everything else in my life, including Danielle. I didn't mean to... it's just that I was overwhelmed and preoccupied with Shannon.

Well, time went on and Shannon and I became more and more serious. I moved out of the dorms and into a house. Things were great. And so one day after probably 3-6 months of not talking to her, I sent Danielle a letter telling her how I missed her and how I had all of these great things to tell her about my house and my grilfriend - but mostly how I wanted to reconnect with her because I had been so absent for so long and her friendship really meant a lot to me. I even included a self-addressed, stamped envelope citing that I knew how tough it was - not to write - but to actually then mail a letter. And sent it off. To my surprise, I got one back in just about 3 days. It went something like this: "Dear Nick, Stop living in the past. What we had is gone. Our friendship is no more."

Yeah, well... I didn't really know what to think of that. So I let it mull around in my mind for a while. I did, afterall, have a great girlfriend to keep me occupied and a totally sick place to live. Plus, I was starting to make acquaintences with the people who would eventually become my closest friends at that point - people like EJ and Rick and I was affirming my friendships with Morris and Findon... So exciting times to say the least. But it never was far from my mind, and one day I went home to Marblehead to visit the folks. I knew that Danielle was working at Cafe Appassionato and had decided not to go back to the school in Virginia that semester. So I figured I would take a gamble and stop by to see if she was there. And she was. I went in, bought a coffee, exchanged only glances with her and left. I went out to my car and wrote her a letter. To sum up, I basically said that I really didn't know or understand why she had decided to end such a good friendship, that I really didn't want to give up on said friendship because it meant a lot to me, and that I wasn't living in the past, I was just trying to get back in touch. I left the letter on her car and went home. 3 hours later I got a call from the police who said that "Danielle was just down here with her father. She was crying and asked us to call you and tell you to NEVER try and make contact with her again." To which I burst out crying and didn't stop for 3 days. No formal charges were filed, but I still - as I always tried to do prior to that - respected her wishes and never tried to make contact again. Not once. I would get occasional updates from people who saw her and I think I may have seen her a couple of times driving past, but I haven't talked to her myself in roughly 13 years now. Okay - I will admit that I tried to get KtK to deliver a message for me if she ran into her at her class reunion, but decided at the last minute that that was entirely unfair of me and wrong to handle it like that.

And ever since that day, I have had dreams of seeing Danielle again. Countless dreams of her, but always the same premise... we meet again, discuss what had happened, make up and become friends again. I have never - not once - had a dream about hooking up with her or making out or anything like that - only that we make up as friends and all is well again. I realize that at this point, I may very well be living in the past because I know virtually nothing of her in the present. But its more of a question that I need answered: What happened? Did I do something? Did I NOT do something? Did I hurt or scare you in some way? Because I really, honestly and truly never meant to. I just really wanted to be your friend again and forever if I could help it. Before this incident, she was a major influence on how I saw the world. How I reacted to things and how I understood love and friendship. She was the person I went to to talk about things - the ONLY person, because I trusted her and needed her input. She was the first thing I thought about when I got into my two car total - the only thing that was going through my mind - and the first person I wanted to talk to (and called) when I finally got home. She was my comfort and my counter-balance when I got out of hand... and then one day, she was ripped from my life without even the slightest explanation of why.

And so... I did my best to learn from her. I realized that I NEVER wanted that to happen to me again. I realized that she was so much a part of my life that without her, I was almost entirely empty. So from then on, I tried deparately to keep in contact with my friends. I tried to build good, strong, lasting friendships where I took a vested interest in knowing as much as I could about the people I cared about. And I tried my best to show them all how much I loved them and how much they meant. I even started the Holmes-Page, which stands to this day as my lasting testament to my amazing circle of friends and the people who I most dearly love. The effect she had on me since that day has clearly formed and fashioned me into the person I am now - the person who is writing this all down, finally and forever. He is a changed man because he knows the cost of loving someone and having them leave. But mostly because he knows the power of friendship, how much it can mean to someone and how dearly and desperately it is missed when it's gone.