Justine. Justine, or Yustine, was one of my first girlfriends in college... or, well, I guess I really don't know what we were to each other back then... but it doesn't much matter now because it's what we became that makes this great. A little back-story though. Justine was (and presumably still is, though we haven't spoken in quite a while for some reason) one of the most free-spirited, adventurous, sweetest, kindest, yet opinionated, intelligent, quick-witted people I have ever known. When I think of her I think of light - the most brilliant, warm, life-giving light you can imagine. I met her by way of this girl Tammy, who I had met during my orientation, and who turned out to be a little too uptight for me. But I was visiting Tammy one night and her friend Justine was over. Honestly, I can't remember anything about that night, or at least the time spent in Tammy's room, except for Justine. She was just so happy. You could tell the kind of person she was just by meeting her for a minute. She was wearing her pajamas, and she reminded me of a young girl at a sleep-over. Not young in maturity, just that she possessed this youthful vigor and energy that reminded me of when my sister would have sleep-overs. And, not to mention that she was/is absolutely beautiful.

Anyways - I don't know how we got around to it, but I think the question of 'what should we do' came up and Justine suggested that we hop in the car and drive to Boston to see her friend Mike (fireman Mike, I think). The idea was instantly rejected by everyone (as that it was already late-ish at night), except for me. Not entirely willing to part company with her, seeing as it seemed the alternative plan was for everyone just to go to bed, I offered to drive her there. And very strangely, she said yes to me, an otherwise complete stranger. I loved that about her. Admittedly though, I was so mystified by her and the potential of us spending even more time together, and alone... I didn't fully grasp what I had just gotten myself into. And, I will also admit that the resulting night we had consisted almost entirely of me being greedy and wanting her only for myself. As a result, we never actually made it to Boston. In fact, we never even left Amherst. I really wanted to drive her around and talk more and get to know her and show her all of the cool places I knew about, like Mt. Pollux and Silver Bridge. I didn't even want to go back to UMass because I knew there would be other people there that I would have to share her with. We actually ended up sleeping on the rocks at Silver Bridge that night... I don't fully remember why, but I have this sinking suspicion that it was because I just really didn't want to take her back and have to leave her. Okay, I slept, she got wet. Like from the spray off of the waterfall as well the dew from the morning... I was such a tool... hah. Ya know, I haven't gone back to these moments in my mind for quite a while, and I am both really enjoying reliving this all with you, my readers, and really missing those days. I have very few regrets in my life, and I very rarely actually wish I could go back in time, but I do certainly regret not spending more time with Justine, and though it's not a regret per se, if I could go back in time, i would go back to that night and slap my stupid ass and tell myself to drive the girl to Boston like I promised I would. I don't know why, it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but at least I would feel better now about being a stand-up guy that first night.

Anyways, I am making it sound like that was it for us. But that is far from the truth. We actually became quite close, and though I wasn't dating her at the time, I knew that she would be all I would think about, and, so, to be fair to my girlfriend at the time, I broke it off with her - a whole other story entirely, and a girl who I pined after for a long time before we started dating, and who I really liked still, but knew I needed to move on from. It wasn't long after that that I think we actually started seeing each other as dating. It never got really serious. We just had a really great time with each other, and for a while. But sooner or later, I started to get wrapped up in not going to school and partying all the time. I was pretty much useless, and that took its toll on us. So things between us ended. I actually remember the night that the final nail in the coffin was struck. I cried for a long time. She was, well.. nearly everything to me, and I knew that I alone was to blame for it ending. I fucked up.

But somehow, we stayed friends. She had always claimed that she had this long-time boyfriend who she was off and on with, but was pretty sure that she would someday marry... Jim. And, well... she was right. They are - as far as I know - happily married with kid(s), and I couldn't be happier for her (and him). But long before all of that, she left UMass because it was never quite the place for her. In fact, she claims that she more or less hated all of Massachusetts. And I can believe that... we are a bunch of serious Massholes :) So she left and left me with one less reason to want to be at UMass myself anymore. I remember that day as well... she had packed up her things, stuffed her car, Alphonze, with all of her stuff and I stopped by to see her off. She handed me a pile of books that she asked me to return to the library for her. We hugged a great big hug, and I think I tried to convince her to come back, but she wouldn't have it. She drove off, and though I knew I would talk to her again, I was still left with a void that has never quite been filled in.

Well, years have passed... and we have caught up a few times here and there. We have these famously long, detailed and wonderful conversations about everything that we can manage to stuff into the conversation. She has this really cute, sprite-like voice and talking to her always makes me happy. In fact, I REALLY miss that right now, and the process of writing this has made me realize that I must stop at nothing to get back in touch with her again and at least let her know how much I miss her and our conversations. Those conversations always levelled me, like in the sense that they balanced me out and no matter what was good, bad or ugly about my life, it would all always be fine by the end of the call. She has always had such good advice on my relationships and jobs and all sorts of everything that has effected me. She was a great friend, a girl I loved and will always love for just who she is. She is the reason why I am still sane, and thus, I consider her to be one of those people in my life that I could not live without. Miss you dearly.