Pearl. Pearl is a very important figure in my life. She has meant a lot of things to me over the 6 or so years that I have known her. She came into my life, very suddenly, just when I needed someone like her. She saved me from the duldrum that my life had become and became someone and something that I could actually focus on. She gave my life purpose just when I thought all was lost. And for that, I owe her a lifetime of gratitude.

It was, however, that exact sentiment that would eventually become our demise. See... When someone effects me the way she did (and still does), my immediate and definitive answer is - as it always has been - to try and return the favor. And so I set out to become everything she could ever possibly want: I sought out things that she loved that she couldn't find anymore. I read books that she loved so I could better understand her. I made artwork for her because she always said she loved mine. I consoled and supported her whenever she needed it. I listened to music she liked, and fell in love with it myself. I quit smoking. I put a renewed focus on improving my own life. I looked out for her, and loved her, and would have done absolutely anything for her. And I have never (give for one time that was not about me) asked ANYTHING from her in return. Like I said before, she had already given me what I needed. And I was fine with that... no, in fact I was more than just fine with it... I almost wanted that. I was compelled to be everything I could to her and ask for nothing in return because that's what I call 'love', and I love Pearl.

However, as time passed and relationships came and went, we started to grow apart. My actions were regarded - I think - by her as increasingly failing attempts to hook up with her. Furthermore, I think she felt that some of my support was masking ulterior motives. Which, it wasn't. But we had a couple falling-outs as a result of me getting upset at her for failing to see that her boyfriends (usually exes at those points) were treating her like shit. She felt compelled to defend some of their actions that were so borderline-abusive that I couldn't bear to listen anymore and had to take a more serious stance on - which offended her and forced her away. And there were other times that - in a similar vein - the things she was telling me sounded extremely fishy and like someone was trying to take advantage of her, and she didn't see it. I never attacked her, or insulted her, or ridiculed her actions... but still, my differing viewpoint was enough to drive a wedge between us.

It's sad, really. All I ever felt I was doing was watching out for her best interests. And despite the probable possibilities that I was doing it solely for my own gain, I absolutely wasn't. Again - I love Pearl - and I would do anything for her, even put aside my own wants for her happiness. Also like I said before, I was fine with that until one day I started to realize that that was all very one-sided. And whereas I used to be okay with that, I started to realize that being friends with someone who doesn't return any of the common courtesies of being a friend - probably isn't one to begin with. I really feel like I have made it ABUNDANTLY clear to her that I care deeply about her happiness, and for all of my support and thoughts on situations (no matter how right or wrong they may be) to fall on deaf ears... well... I don't really much matter then, do I?

At this point, I really don't understand why she continues to talk to me. She has made it clear to me that really nothing I do matters, and furthermore that she doesn't tell me things now because I "get upset". And worse yet - and it took some time to realize this - she is embarassed of and by me. She will not take a photo of us together, and so, none exist. Which is really sad for me, who values photos as keepsakes so much. I'd love to show my kids someday how awesome my life was, and all of the amazing people I met along the way... but not this one I guess. Too bad... for her.

But so, where does that leave me? I don't know. Again - now that I have realized all of these things about her and how she feels about me - I really don't know why I have any place at all in her life. I am hoping that deep down she knows that I do, in fact, still love her and always will. I will always be there for her if she needs me to be. And I am hoping that that's why she chooses to keep me around - because when the shit hits the fan and she is at her lowest point she can get to and it seems that all else is lost - that there is still one person out there who would unselfishly, unyieldingly and without hesitation, once again be everything he can be to her. Always.